20 Oct I no longer have a Job, now what am I worth?

Hi Peter,

Unfortunately, your expertise is not near the senior level of delivery that is needed for this role.  Joe recommended the Associate program should we post an opportunity in your market next year.  Please keep an eye on our careers page beginning in January for our spring ACE opportunities.  Attached is some information for you to consider for now.

Thank you for your interest in XXX; if you remain interested and reapply for our ACE program, I will speak with you again.

Best regards

After months of looking for work, the email above is one I had become well accustomed too. I had been on 8 interviews, with a mixture of phone, in-person and virtual. Out of the “8”, I was offered a position, that was later rescinded days later. I applied for so many different job positions in my field that I lost count. Some I was good fit for, some i was a great fit for, some I was not. The ones that did not fit my skill set “perfectly”, I applied for anyway. That is what desperate does to you. I was desperate. My expectations that were once on par, slowly decreased to average at best, and after each rejection my expectations slip even lower.

The “Tell us about yourself question” had just become a redundant at this point. I was sick of talking about myself. I was sick of hearing me talk about myself. I was actually sick of myself too. Being with myself everyday all day, trying desperately to make myself useful. Not feeling useful. Not feeling talkative. Trying not to seem desperate. Trying to smile. Trying to stay “positive” became a choir. It became exhausting. I do believe you get in return what you put out. I don’t believe you’ll get smiles and nice banter if you’re walking around with a sour look on your face or speaking dogmatic. But truth is that’s how I felt on the inside. The act I was putting on on the outside became a Job. It was Job I had to perform whenever I was in front of someone. Friends, Family, strangers. Especially in front of a potential Employer. When they ask you the question “what have you being doing this whole time”, the answer “I’ve been looking for a Job, DUH!!!”. Will not suffice.

I did take the off time to sign up and do volunteer work at a non-profit. Something I wanted to do for years but always had an excuse on why I couldn’t. Work, personal life, blah blah blah. Now there was no work, and my personal life at the moment sucked, so I really had no excuses left. So I signed up. The non-profit does many good things for the local community. They give out food, clothing, baby items and household items to Families and individuals in need. Low income, batter women, that sort of thing. I found that when things in my own life are not going well, focusing on others is sometimes the best medicine. Helping other people really has a way of taking your mind off your own problems. And volunteering you see problems from people from all walks of life. I have always worked. I’ve always had employment. That’s just been the norm of my life. I was unemployed when the recession hit in 2008. I was unemployed for a large part of that year. I would say maybe a good 6 months. I worked temporary jobs that were not in my sector, specifically the mortgage industry. Many people were losing their homes or trying to refinance due to the economy woes, so the Mortgage industry had more work then they could handle. So much so the company I worked for instituted a mandatory overtime stipulation.

This helped me makes end’s, because I was not making nearly as much there as I was at my previous position that got outsourced. But that’s all it did. There was nothing left over after all the bills were paid. The stakes were high, but I was able to keep my head above water. One by one I saw people moving out of my apartment building. People that had been there for years. People that had been there before me. One by one thery were leaving. I would come home, and they would be moving their stuff out. Or I’d come and see maintenance men re-painting and replacing carpet in one of the units, and I would know there was another causality of our poor economy. I honestly really don’t know how God kept me in my apartment. Unemployment wasn’t enough. The mortgage job wasn’t enough, but God through his Grace somehow “made it enough”. And I was able to keep my apartment, keep a fridge full of food, and very nice clothes imho. And I had reliable transportation as well. Though it was a struggle at that time, i was in good company. I had several friends and acquaintances that were unemployed as well. We were all suffering under the umbrella of the housing market collapse. It did ease the pain. I knew I had people I could talk too and share with because we were all going through the same thing. But this time it’s different. A house later. A Mortgage later. A kid later. This time was very different. The economy is doing well. There is no housing market collapse. There is no recession. The economy is moving along just fine. There are no friends or acquaintances to talk to or share with. When you are used to working, and have been out of work for a long period of time, it takes a toll on you that unless you’ve been there it’s hard to explain. Your confidence, your esteem, your hope, your positive outlook, all these things begin to evaporate. Your desire to be social. Your desire to communicate. Your desire to participate. All these things take a hit. Between the job search and the worrying, you literally spend every day trying to convince yourself that you aren’t worthless. That you can and do have things to add to this life. That you aren’t just a number, or you’re not just something that is insignificant. The world keeps moving even when you don’t have a job, but you try to remind yourself though that be the case, it would move a little better because I do have something to add to it.

I believe everyone has something inside them that can enrich other people’s lives as we know it. It may not be anything “groundbreaking”, like creating some new cool app, but we all have something that someone else needs. When you’ve been unemployed for a long stretch, you will question that very thing, several times a day, a hundred times a week, a thousand times a month. The world may keep spinning on its axis while you are unemployed, but you do matter. I’ve sent out so many resumes, that I sometimes can’t remember the position I applied for when a Company is calling me back to discuss my qualifications further. It’s gotten that bad. I always prepare for an interview well. I research the Company and I do a more in-depth research on the role and what their looking for exactly, so I can have a better understanding of how I can apply my skill set and experience to role. So at the end of the interview when they ask you “Do you have any questions for us”, I’ll have at least 2 or 3 questions ready to go.

My most recent interview was very different. I broke my rule. After interviewing for a Company and receiving a “deny” email the same day (the deny email is at the beginning of this blog post), I hardly did any research pass the point of what the Company did. I did not get any intimate details on the Company. I had done it 7 times before, and after not landing a position, I determined it was a waste of my time at this point. I am leaving out a chunk of other things that I experienced over the course of the last 16 weeks, but I’m giving you the meat and potatoes of what it’s been like. So for this interview, I put my game face on. Got dressed in my interview attire. Showed up about 3 minutes before the start time. I had absolutely no expectations. None. Expectations when not met leads to disappointment, and I had had enough of that. It really didn’t matter to me what the Company said during the interview, if they offered me the job I was going to take it. It’s sad but it’s the truth. It came down to that. I am ashamed to say that.

Because I have always been a advocate for following your passion and pursuing what you love. And here I was, throwing in the towel on what I believed. I did not always believe that, but I adopted that philosophy later on in life as I started to mature. My philosophy, no matter how much I love it and tried to live it, it wasn’t paying my bills at the moment. My savings is doing that, and I’m watching it go down, with nothing coming in. God has not stop talking to me. He’s here. He’s present. I know he has the world in his hand, and my sense of urgency does not even began to exist on his time table. But I can’t deny the anxiety, the frustration, the anger, the worry, and the uselessness I feel. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I’ve found that during this time prayers are different. They’ve went from asking, to pleading, to I give up God, just do what you will! Your letting me go through this for a reason, and there’s nothing I can do, but endure it to the appointed time.

I took a break from looking for work at one point for a good week and a half. I needed too. If you are in my position, you need too as well. It helped me. It didn’t help my situation, but it helped me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I may need to take another week, and just stop. Because I’m at that place again mentally and emotionally where I’m at the end of my wick. If the definition of insane is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”, then that I must be. What do you call a couple who tries over and over again, repeatedly, to have a child? What do you call a person taking physical therapy and trying over and over again repeatedly to try and walk? What do you call a person whose been out of work for months, sending out their resume repeatedly over and over again in hopes of landed a job called? If that’s the definition of insane, then yes, I’m crazy! I do things repeatedly expecting a different result. I pray repeatedly expecting God to step in at some point and deliver a different result. I’ve come to realize that yes, I am that definition of insane.

People of faith are insane. We pray for things over and over and over again, hoping for a different result. The Bible calls us “peculiar”. A peculiar people. A strange people. I really don’t know where my manna will come from this season. I really don’t. I’ve never struggled getting a Job in a stable economy before like I have this time. It can be very demoralizing. Often our jobs and or profession become” who we are”, and not just “what we do”. If your profession is “who you are”, and you have been jobless for many weeks, then during that time who are you? I know that I am not my Job. As Peter was not a “fisherman”, and Jesus was not a “Carpenter”. What I do to support myself and my Family is not who I am. I have made the separation between the two.  Proverbs 3: v5-6: “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths”. Yes, I have no job. I keep praying and still don’t have one. What is it that you keep praying for and have not yet received it, but believe God will give it to you? Well whatever it is, just know that you are as insane as I am!