24 Sep Jarrid Wilson’s suicide is a lost to all of us…

I can’t recall what I was doing at the time. It was not anything that was particularly important. I was researching something on my Laptop, when I came across the headline that Jarrid Wilson had committed suicide. I did not know who Jarrid Wilson was prior to this announcement. But him being a young Christian Pastor, and me being a Christian myself, it immediately caught my attention and held it.  Jarrid Wilson was the Pastor for Harvest Christian Fellowship Church in Riverside, California.  And it was not just that Jarrid had died, but it was in the manner in which he had died.  I read the article and was determined to get to know a little bit more about him. I discovered that he was a big advocate for mental health issues, particularly depression. Conditions that many people in Church deal with, but you’ll seldom ever hear anyone talk about.  Most Pastors are not eager to go in front of tens of thousands of people and broadcast that God won’t solve all their problems.  Jarrid was different.  It would shatter the myth that Religion has built up about what and who God is.  Jarrid wasn’t afraid to discuss these things.  The myth religion has created that God will solve all their problems. Completely ignoring the fact, that Christ said, “in this life you will have troubles”.  Instead, organized religion has been peddling around an image of God that does not exist.

A fantasy God, right out of the Wizard of Oz. He sits behind a curtain ready to give you all the things your heart desires. Most people don’t know what they need, but everyone knows what they want, and God is the genie in the bottle that will deliver it to them.  How do you handle depression in a God we when are taught, that he will deliver us from these very things?  The things that are tormenting you on a daily and weekly basis. When you’ve prayed every prayer you could muster, and shed enough tears to fill a bucket; And you’ve fasted for weeks and the depressing thoughts still remain, where do you go from there?  In an effort to become more Christ like, we can get overwhelmed with emotions to reach that which is unreachable. It is an expectation that no man can reach. Not Paul, not John, not Peter, not Abraham, not Noah, not Elijah. We will never be Jesus. He is to be aspired too but not to be achieved.  We are undoubtedly inadequate.  We must become comfortable in our inadequacy. Your best will be your best, but it will never be Christ. And that’s all God is seeking of you is your best. He is not expecting you to be the next Jesus Christ of Nazareth. There’s only one of him, and there will never be another

Be content in God’s grace. Be content with the fact that your best, will always fall short of the one we aspire to be like. God is not holding us to the standard that Jesus set. That bar is too high. Instead he’s holding us to the standard of Faith. Trusting in him. Believing in him. Walking in him. Living in him. That’s great news for us, but it can also be a daunting task if it’s not perceived the right way. I’m guilty of it as ever. The expectation to act a certain way. To talk a certain way. To look a certain way. To live a certain way. To not think certain thoughts that just sometimes popped randomly in your head. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t have at least one sexual thought that dances around my mind. Not one. Most days it’s several. If it was just one, I would consider that an easy day. There are days I feel anything but Holy. Days I don’t feel saved. Days I don’t feel hopeful. Days I don’t feel God. But even when you are having this kind of day, as a Pastor of a Church you are required to go out in front of thousands of people and give a sermon of hope, though you may be feeling pretty hopeless on the inside as you preach. There is no “sick time” when you’re having those kinds of days. No “personal days” you can call in on because you are just not feeling God that day. You must put on your best mask and go out there and preach. Even when your conflicted. From my understanding and research on Jarrid Wilson, he preached about these very things. He preached about depression, loneliness. anxiety and brokenness. He was so passionate about the subject, that he and his Wife created a nonprofit organization called “Anthem of Hope”, which helps those suffering from depressions and suicidal thoughts. In the moments leading up to Jarrid taking his own life, the hope that he and his Wife shared with their organization, the hope that things will and do get better, had evaded him in that final moment.

There are some people in some Christian circles who have called Jarrids suicide an act of selfishness. That kind of talk to me is hogwash! It is religious jargon to a problem that has several layers. Organized religion seeks to condemn and find fault, but love seeks to uplift and support. One Pastor even alluded to the fact that the pressures of ministry, because Jarrid was young, were too much for him. He was too young, too inexperienced and was looking for an “out”. You don’t have to kill yourself because the pressures of ministry prove to be a daunting task. Those people who were put in positions that they were not called to be put into by God in the first place, always find a way of disqualifying themselves. You’ll read about their fall from grace all over the front page news, and on the home pages of Yahoo and CNN. They are the disgraced among the Church who have been caught candidly in scandals of epic proportions. When something terrible happens, the people who think they know the most, speak the loudest on things they know the least about. Job’s friends thought they knew as well. Jobs friends thought they were so wise. Clearly they could see that what was happening in Job’s life was all Job’s fault! They blamed Job for everything. They accused Job of haven’t hidden sin, and God was now punishing him for it openly. They accused Job of living a double life that he kept tucked away and hid from his Family and friends, and God was now exercising his vengeance on Job. These men showed up full of pride and worthless wisdom.

The truth is the only person who knows what was in Jarrid Wilson’s heart, and what was going through his mind at the time of his suicide, is Jarrid and God. What we can be certain of, is that he was in pain.

I’ve been there. Battling depression.  Tugging with the reigns of loneliness and brokenness.  Despair is a real thing. Despair does not lead to selfishness; it leads to hopelessness. When you get to a place where the council of good friends have no effect; when the words of a wonderful Psalm have no effect; When the encouraging words of a Wife have no effect; Suicide becomes a viable option. We are all largely to blame. Are unwillingness to cut open a vein and let our emotions bleed out in front of someone brings forth all kinds of fearful thoughts. What will they think of me? How would I be looked at as a Pastor, as a Husband, as a Father and as friend if everyone knows how fragile and vulnerable I am on the inside? That I’m struggling every day to keep myself going. That sometimes it’s a struggle to even get out of bed some mornings and plaster a pretend smile on my face, to give the appearance that everything is alright. I have to pretend everything is fine for strangers as well. When they ask me “how are you”, and I have to answer in a way that doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable. Because if I told them exactly how things were going, they’d give me a whimsical look. As if to say why did you tell me the truth! We don’t want truth. We want what’s comfortable. And having compassion and the willingness to listen to someone else’s problems, takes us out of our comfort zone.

We don’t want to know that the person sitting next to us cuts themselves at night. We don’t want to know the Mother of two that we see at Church is a survivor of 3 failed suicide attempts, and she’s contemplating a fourth attempt. And we don’t want to know that our Pastor is suffering from severe depression and is battling thoughts of suicide. If they knew how I was feeling on the inside, would they still follow me? Would they still listen to me? Would they feel like I was still qualified to lead them and to lead this congregation? Would my Wife still look at me the same? As a strong male figure once she knows the depths of how fragile I am on the inside, and how vulnerable I feel?

Jarrid Wilson’s death is a huge loss for the entire body of Christ. It is a huge personal loss for his family and friends. It is a huge lost for his congregation and all those he inspired to persevere through the pains of loneliness and depression. Every life in the body of Christ is important. Every single one. We must see it that way. There will always be other Preachers. There will always be other Ministers. There will always be other Deacons. But there will only ever be one Jarrid Wilson, and we’ve lost him.

Jarrid’s death impacted me so much that I went to the “Anthem of Hope” website that he and his wife had started for those suffering from depression in the body of Christ.  After reading their mission statement, I wanted to learn more about suicide and depression.  This curiosity led to me getting “QPR” certified.  It is an acronym for Question, Persuade, and Refer.  It breaks down the different steps you take when dealing with a potential suicide victim, to try and deescalate the situation and help seek the help they need from a professional who is qualified to deal with such cases.  Being how I’ve had my own battles with depression, it just felt “right” to get certified.  I don’t know exactly where this will take me, but I did contact Anthem of Hope, to inquire about doing some writing for them on their blog and hope section of their website.  There has not been a single entry since the passing of Jarrid, and I can’t say that I don’t understand.  Sadly, the same day that I got QPR certified, a friend of mine called me to inform me that a former co-worker of ours had just passed away.  Dan.  He committed suicide.