24 Aug Do I really want Gods Will for my life?

The answer is no, I don’t! I’ve said these words a 1,000 times over. They roll off my tongue on demand. Those words are as common as me brushing my teeth. Going to the bathroom even, or washing my hands. I’ve been taught, we’ve been taught, to always end our prayers as such. I would end my prayer(s) with that exact statement. Flawlessly.

I knew I was put here to do something. Something big. I knew on the inside. I could always feel something bubbling up. I just needed it to find it. Whatever it was. I would know it when I see it. Hard work and Grace would carry me through. If God’s on your side, and your diligent, he is just and faithful. You can’t fail with God. That’s the key ingredient that most people miss. Grandiose plans without having God at your side is a plan for disaster. I had God. So my plan was already on perfect footing. I just needed to do what was required of me. Work hard, be diligent, and give God the glory. It’s by his hand all things are done.

So I decided to make fitness gear for health minded, Christian of course. I was a fitness enthusiast, not to be confused with a fitness “nut”. There is a difference. One is a hobby versus an obsession. I was the former, I think. I ate a balance diet, counted my macro nutrients, ate a certain amount of protein, carbs, fats, etc. Watched my sugar, in-fact I stopped consuming sugar. I just consumed natural sweeteners for the most part. I loved God, and wanted the world to know too, without me saying a word. So I found an Artist to do a design logo for me. Something that would stand out for God, without being too in flashy. I looked at a lot of different logos by various Artist. So were very good, but the one I finally settled on was perfect! I couldn’t believe it. My own logo. When you have a vision, and you start to see it take shape physically, it is a great feeling.

For once in a long time, I really started to feel accomplish. I didn’t have dreams of being on “Shark Tank” or anything like that (though I wouldn’t have mind it lol), I was pursuing a passion. And I was content with being a small fish in a large ocean. So I had my logo, and had a name for my apparel, now I just needed to find the right material. I’m no seamstress, or fashion designer, so this was something that I was going to have to outsource to professionals. I was more then fine with that. Sometimes being wise is knowing your limitations. And I knew mine in this case. I searched and searched and searched until I found the right supplier with the right quality, and the right designs. Just a little alterations and customization, and I would be good to go. I bounced back and forth with exactly what particular garments to sell. Tops or bottoms. Hats or hoodies, or both. Just know it was an adventurous process. Not only that, but I also had an interest in Professional Medical garments. I was in a relationship with someone who worked in the medical field. She gave me very good input.

I had samples of my customized designs sent out to me. This took a lot of work. A lot of emails back and forth. Explaining exactly what I was looking. Adobe files with images of my logo design placement. Changes to this garment, size changes, color changes, any and everything to match the image I had. Or that God had giving me. When I received the samples they either pass the test or they didn’t. If they didn’t pass the eye and quality test they went no where. I immediately dismissed that supplier. The ones that did pass, I gave away to friends and Family to try out and provide feedback. I would listen to their feedback, make decisions, and go from there.

The professional medical garments, though the quality was very good, I couldn’t exactly get the measurement portion of it down. It was not as simple as a “32 waist”, and a “30 long”. There were other measurements that needed to be made that I was not at all familiar with. I decided I need to just stick with what I know. Btw, the woman I was in a relationship with at the time and a Family member of mine, could not fit the garment. My family member was able to put the garment on, but it was not at all comfortable. Had too many areas where it was just tight making flexibility nearly impossible.

So I decided to just stick with what I knew. And I’ll admit, in doing that I felt a burden being lifted off of me. I got positive feedback on the fitness apparel so I was set, and my goal was not to far in the distant future. I had my design, I had my vision, I had God, so I was full speed ahead! I had my supplier whom I had confidence in, so I went ahead and placed my order. While waiting for that to arrive, I went working on my website, and finding a Model who I thought could wear the clothing so I could take photos for my website. I watched countless youtube videos on photography, lighting, back-drops, camera equipment, everything. I thought about hiring a photographer, but I just needed good quality photos for my site. With hard work, dedication, and God I would be able to that myself. I found a very nice girl who was an experienced model to wear my clothes so I could take pictures. I had lighting, I had a back-drop, and purchase a good camera, with a thousand different settings on it, that only a few I could understand.

Editing them was a nightmare. God couldn’t help me with this one. I outsourced it. I paid for advertisement to drive traffic. I got business cards made up as well. I really wanted to show that I was putting forth an effort, and not just going about this casually. Now I had about “500” or more pieces of clothing sitting in my house, that I needed to go through. Just me. So I did. The quality of the material was just as I’d come to expect. My logo looked great. Which was a relief because there was some back and forth about that with the supplier. I did notice something odd though, my logo was not placed where I had specified I wanted it. But it was only this one so it wasn’t a big deal. Wait a second, this one isn’t right either. Neither is this one. Or this one, or this one, or this one. My heart sunk. I went through several pieces of garments, separating the good from the faulty. Eight bad pieces in a row. Four good. Seven bad. Fifteen good. Three bad. It was a nightmare!

I reached out to my supplier, and that back and forth didn’t go well. They basically wanted me to take a “discount”, which was minuscule btw in relation to what I spent. I was willing to pay for the garments that were right, but wanted to be reimbursed for the ones that weren’t. I provided pictures as proof. I was furious that they didn’t want to take responsibility for it monetary. Especially when they knew it was not what was agreed upon in our contract. While I had that going on on the side, I was selling the good pieces, doing advertising and marketing. Things were really slow! Like really slow. One week turned into 2 weeks into 3 weeks, etc. I decided I must be doing something wrong. I went on youtube, google, anywhere I could get some assistance and education on what I was lacking. Gods with me so I must be the problem. I just need to find it. After watching video after video. I applied what I learned. Still nothing. The pieces I received that were bad, I had to call my credit card company to get a charge back on those. The supplier just wasn’t budging, and I was tired of the back and forth at this point. And stressed.

After about 3-months, and went through a string of emotions. Frustration probably the dominant one. But there was another one, that was lingering about. That I just could not shake. That was very evident. Failure. I had failed. All my planning. All the time I put into it. All the research. The expectations. My hopes. My vision. My goal. Not to mention the money I was out. I had failed. I failed big. And I felt like one too. I was never one to say “well at least you tried”. I take failure seriously. It means I wasn’t good enough, or I wasn’t smart enough. Or both. Maybe not the healthiest view to hold. But if you don’t succeed at something that means you failed at it. This whole time, whenever I prayed, I pray for Gods will to be done. This was something I wanted to do for people who wanted to wear their faith on their sleeve. Literally. I would never put the “fish” on my car. It’s just not me. Many people wouldn’t. Some people would be more comfortable being on a T-shirt or sweats. It was a niche market, but I was trying to set the World on fire. I was comfortable with my target audience. I didn’t sell piece. That is not a typo. I didn’t sell one piece. Not one. Where was God?

Surely this was a good pursuit, so why didn’t it work? Where was God? He was there. Even when pursuing that which is good, or believed to be good, doesn’t mean God is on board with it. God does not support all things that are good. He does not want us to pursue all things that are good. He want’s us to pursue all things that are good according to his will, not ours. And according to his timing, not ours. In that same year I suffered a devastating circumstance, that all but destroyed me spiritually. I don’t know why I failed so miserably at that. Or why God allowed me too. I just have my theories on why. I do know if he was behind it, it would of succeeded. We can pursue what’s good. We can work hard. We can be diligent in our studies. But what we can’t do is decide the outcome. God does that. What I learned from that experience is this, doing what is good, or what we believe as good, does not guarantee God is on our side. I wish he had warned me before I embarked on that failed journey. Maybe he tried. We can get so focused on what we want, that nothing that’s said will deter us.

Think about it. If you were enamored by a beautiful number you had met recently, and there were million signs being thrown for you not to pursue her, would you keep pursuing her and looked at those signs as obstacles, or would you be convince that this is God throwing you warning signs. This is where things get fuzzy. Job was being greatly inflicted by the devil, but the infliction process was orchestrated by God. When we say, “God’s will be done”, pay attention and understand what that means. You will work hard at things. You will have a passion for things. You will be diligent. You will be faithful. You will be dedicated. And you will fail! This goes for relationships, jobs, marriages, dreams, etc. You may not experience all these, I prayed to God you don’t. But we will all experience at least one, most of us more then one. When I’m praying for something that I desperately desire, I give a long pause when I get to that part, because I know what it potentially means for me. And I don’t wanna face that disappointed again.

Disappointed doesn’t leave you. It lies dormant waiting for the next one. So do I want Gods will for my life? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. What I want is to be honest with him, with myself and with you. And I want to come to a place when I believe in totality that Gods will for my life is greater then my own. When my faith in his desires for me, supersedes my fear of disappointment, broken dreams, and dashed hopes.

That is my hope.