24 Aug I Quit….

I walked into my bosses office and handed him a resignation letter. I told him I quit. And I did. I quit. Not because I had a better position or offer somewhere else. Because I didn’t. There was a series of incidents that led me up to this moment. A series of events and circumstances. It was a long time coming. I would have quit any job as this point in time. No matter what Company I’d work for. I had reached my limit. To top it off my Brother in-law had just died. Massive Stroke, coma, and never came out of it. I had other Family related issues as well. My job was flexible but demanding. And I had finally hit the wall.

I never had a nervous breakdown before, but I walked away from a Job paying me a good salary, in the tune of 93k. It could of been a 100k, and I still would have walked. I was depressed. And had been depressed for sometime now. I knew I had been depressed, but I thought if only I did “this” or improved on “that”, it would get better. But it never did. Making more money didn’t make me happy. Driving a nice car didn’t make me happy. Having a house didn’t make me happy. I had become a miserable person.

You would never know it of course. I’ve become a Master at hiding in a room full of people. I was even great at giving pretty decent advice. Me, the depressed guy! Family members and friends always ask me for what I thought about this, and how I would do that, blah blah blah. My inside I was harboring a dark secret. I did not know how to council myself. I had the outside appearance of “having it altogether”, but on the inside I was crumbling. I had a great exterior appearance, but under the hood there were several misfires. Bad spark plugs. A clog air-filter. Dirty pistons. Dirty oil. I was a mess. And I was alone. It is hard to share such information, especially when your trying to keep up appearances and keep the expectations others have of you. I was a Rock! Forever Sturdy. Never wavering! I could do everything on my own, as I always did. Alone. And I was alone. We your not able to share who you really are, what your really feeling, you will always be alone. So I was. Family but alone. A friend or two, but alone.

If this is what my life would be from here on out, I didn’t want it. Me quitting my job was my way of saying I quit life! I just quit. I was through with trying to make myself happy. I didn’t quit and have NO idea of what I wanted to do, but it was like always, an “idea” that would lead to happiness finally. I was still falling for this illusion. We are surrounded by illusions. Ideas and things we believe will make us happy. We we finally achieve these things, are we happy? No. We make another list of things to go after. You know the famous bucket list. Once you achieve all things on that list, you create another list.

The greatest example of this is buying a home. It’s a never ending project. The flooring and paint you fell in-love with 5 years, 10 years ago, is no longer doing it for you. Neither is the kitchen. The patio could use some sprucing up too.

My last so called attempt at achieving happiness failed (what a surprise). And I am back to where i was, only deeper. This time I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I could no longer hear the music. And if it was even playing, I was done listening. At 42yrs of age. I absolutely quit life. I was always the blunt type. The type to tell like it is. Brutal honesty. And I was being blunt with God. Just finish me off. Send a truck to just take me out and do wheelies over me. I was done fighting the good fight. Prayers gone unanswered for decades. No reason(s) giving. Just words in and stories on how God did this once for this person. I was tired of reading stories of what God did for others. I wanted to experience these things for myself for once.

God doesn’t owe anyone anything. I’m not saying he owes me. But he said he would give x or do x, so I was holding him to it. God will give you the desires of your heart. That is one of the most touted scriptures you will here. It’s a catch line. “Come to God and he will give you the desires of your heart”. I believed that for years. But now I had stopped. My very existence was now in question at this point. I wanted to go out with a bang! Like come across a burning building with some kids stuck in-side. Run in and save every last one, but I myself burn up. One final act to finally had made my life mean something. I had done nice things for people before. Family, Friends, Strangers. I’m sure most people have done that. But I’ve been self-serving for most of my life. Like most people.

I’m going to back up for a second now. Prior to me quitting my job, I was in the process of selling my home and acquiring a new one. Well that fell through. Since the buy fell through, I obviously couldn’t sell my home. And my “business venture” fell through as well. The idea or plan I had when I quit my job. So nothing was working out for me. Nothing. When the business venture fell through, I was again, back on the job hunt. But there was something very peculiar about this job search. I had 6 interviews, and got 6 denies. This has never happen to me, in the history of my job search. I’m use to working with customers so I present well. I speak well. I speak clearly. And I’m polite. For all that working for me, I wasn’t able to secure work. This is over the course of two months! Now let’s jump back to the to where I left off originally.

Brother in-law, dead. My Business venture, dead. My house purchase, dead. My Job search, dead. My outlook on life, dead. My outlook on myself, dead. For once in my life I had no more pitches to through. I’ve utilized the curve ball, the change up, my famous fast ball, and the knuckle ball. I had taking off my glove and proceeded to the dugout. From there to the locker room to clear out all my stuff. This sequence of events led me to this Blog. I don’t know why. I’m not a blogger. Never had the desire to be a blogger, though I do enjoy writing. It was never something I dreamed of doing. Not with the lofty goals I had set for myself. But now I was done with goals. I was done with promotions. I was done with chasing happiness. I was done with it all. And it wasn’t until I was “done”, that I started writing this blog. Maybe God just wants me to be “done”. Maybe he was waiting for me to be “done”. If I’m “done” then he can start. Maybe that’s it.

One thing I forgot to tell you is I’m stupid! If I wasn’t all my plans and great ideas would of come to fruition. Oh, I’m tired of being smart too. I’m just tired. Maybe now that I’m tired I can hear God again. Maybe now that I’m tired he can began. But remember, his ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are not our thoughts. So this may be a wrong analysis on my part.

One thing I do know is, I’m tired, and I can never go back to the way things were.