Today I believe Christians are lonelier than ever. And I don’t just mean as it relates to relationships with other people. The closer we get to God, the more peculiar we appear to be to others. There are really not a lot of places to go, or things to do or things being created in our society that are “Christian friendly”. From television, to movies, to music, there are not a lot of things we can watch or places we can go to really feel comfortable.

That can be a very lonely place. Especially if you do not have a strong Christian circle of friends who will not only understand what you are going through, but also relate. I remember when I first got saved, and the transition I had to make through the Spirit. I felt like there was 2 people inside of me.

The me I had always known, because I’ve been him my entire life, and this “new” person I was now becoming. It was a very uncomfortable time for me. I was still doing the things I knew I was going to have to pull away from, but something started to change.

When I did the things I was accustomed to doing, there was a part of me that did not feel comfortable doing it. That is the best way I can describe it. The things that used to be normal for me to do, now were causing conflict within my spirit. I had a harder time doing them. I remember I went to a concert a year later after being saved during the Summer with some friends. My friends were having the time of their lives. I didn’t drink one beer. They were laughing loud, joking, and just doing what we normally did at Concerts. I had a good time, but it wasn’t like it was before.

I had changed. My friends saw me changing before their very eyes. I never really sympathized with them, or looked at it from their perspective on the new me. They had lost the friend they were familiar with. I became a different person who they did not know in a lot of ways. And though I loved them, I couldn’t help the changes that were happening to me.

The more I read and studied the Bible, the more I was changing. And that wasn’t the only thing changing. All the relationships around me were changing. As I pulled away from the things I used to do, the phone stopped ringing. The phone calls I used to get dwindled down significantly. The more I changed, the lonelier I got. I could no longer go to those same friends as I did prior, because my struggles were not something I could even put into words to describe to them.

I was in this one alone. I loved them, and at the same time I knew I could no longer participate in the things that we used to enjoy doing together. I naively thought that I could keep my friends but just abstain from the sinful activities we engaged in. I was wrong. Being around them when they were doing certain things just felt awkward, and extremely uncomfortable for me. As I got closer to God, I eventually stopped hanging out with them almost all together.

This is what is really weird. When I stopped hanging out with them, the loneliness I felt actually improved. When I hung around them, and I didn’t participate in the partying and the drinking, the lonelier I felt. But when I stopped hanging around them and allowing myself to be put in those situations, my loneliness improved.

In order for God to do the necessary work in your life, especially in the beginning, he must separate you from the people and things that have the most influence over you. Friends, Family, Television, Music, partying, clubs, bars, whatever it may be.  God does his best work in us when he has our undivided attention.   When he has us to ourselves.  When we are lonely and vulnerable.

I’m going to talk about dating this week

I’m going to talk about dating this week. We have gone through a Pandemic that has kept everyone pretty much isolated, and many of us lonely. Some of us were at the stage I was at when I first got saved, so you may have been dealing with loneliness prior to the Pandemic hitting, and the Pandemic may have just added to the loneliness that you were already experiencing. Once the Pandemic was in full force, most of our main form of communication to the outside world was through Technological means: Text, Email, Internet, Social Media, etc. And if you did not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or a Husband or a Wife, meeting someone during the pandemic over the last 2 years, was both improbable and a little frightening.

Everything was closed and shut down, no one was touching anyone, everyone was masked up, so even attempting to carry a conversation with someone brought along its own challenges. Many people utilized Social Media and Apps to find companionship and fellowship, and other things. I do not have to spell out the “other things”. 

I want to tell you directly, that as a Christian Man, a Christian Woman, a Christian boy or a Christian girl, you finding a mate on Tinder is feasible as me finding E.T. behind the car in my garage eating out of a jar of peanut butter. Is there a possibility that E.T, exist and likes to eat peanut butter out of a jar? I guess it’s possible. But is it likely? Absolutely not.  The majority of the people who love Christ are not hanging out on Tinder. They are not hanging out on Instagram. They are not hanging out on Tik Tok. So where do these people hang out?

Better yet, where do the people of God hang out who you could possibly be “matched” with? And by match I mean finding someone whom you are equally yoked with. The first place we fail as believers, is dating people who do not believe and who are not Christians. We think because they are “good people ”, and don’t discourage us in our Christian practices, that they can be a potentially good mate.

This is a foolish way of thinking. If you and the person you are dating do not share the same Faith and beliefs, someone within the relationship will start to compromise on some of the things that they believe. If you are a Christian girl and you expect to keep a non-Christian boy in a relationship with you, where sexual intercourse will only take place once you are married, you will soon enough lose that boy.  Or worst, when you feel him pulling away, you give into his sexual persuasions in order to keep him. Sex does not keep anyone with you. It can only serve to delay a person’s departure.

If you are a Christian boy who expects to keep a non-Christian girl in a relationship with you, where sexual intercourse will only take place once you are married, you will find yourself in the same dilemma. When we enter into relationships with people who do not share our beliefs, we end up compromising on the things we believe. Once you become sexually active with someone, there is no “reset” button. 

That part of you has been lost. You can be redeemed, but that part of you can never be restored. You can never share that part of you with your Husband or your Wife exclusively. We have lost the “exclusivity” that marriage once brought to the couples in Christ. The things that were only meant to be experienced between married people.

We also have Christian Men and Women who openly practice sex before marriage, with no intentions on stopping.  Some say “sex before marriage”, God calls it fornication.  Let’s call it what God calls it.  It’s a sin.  They may not date people who aren’t “Christian”, but they date Christians who live a lifestyle committed to Fornication.  Deceiving themselves and saying in their heart: “it is better then having sex with someone who’s not a Christian”. The problem with that is that the Bible does not say that, nor does it give a person a pass because they are Christians. In fact, God is a lot harsher on those who know better than he is on those who don’t.

Two Christians getting together doesn’t mean that they are equally yoked to be in a relationship. It goes beyond just being a Christian. God is continually working in our lives. As such, many of us are at different junctures in our walk with Christ. Someone who is actively living out a lifestyle of fornication, would not be a good fit for someone who has put that sinful lifestyle behind them. They would be of no benefit to the other person. God does not desire us to be  joined to others who will tempt us to fall.  It is his will for us to be joined with someone who will help keep us from falling.  Someone who will help us remain strong.  Because we all go through bouts of weakness. 

We must understand what dating is 

We must understand what dating is in actuality. The definition of dating is as such: “The stage of romantic relationships practised in Western societies whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship“. I accept this definition in part, but it is incomplete. It ends with “prospective partner in a future intimate relationship“. So dating is a prelude to determine if a Man and a Woman would like to engage in an intimate relationship in the near future. 

What you do not see in this definition is, assessing each other’s suitability as a prospective partner for a future Marriage, or assessing each other’s suitability as a prospective partner for a future Family, or as a Future Mother or Father. When we only “date” on the premise of a person becoming a potential prospect for a future intimate partner, we miss all the signs that we should have seen, prior to getting involved with that person in an intimate sexual relationship.

Who we may find suitable to share a bed with, is not the same in finding someone suitable to share a life with. To share a Family with. To share are innermost feelings and thoughts with. If we approach dating as defined in the definition above, we will no doubt attach ourselves to a string of failed relationships, incredible heartbreak, unfulfilled expectations, and loneliness. This is no doubt the problem we face today. 

People who come together based on the world’s definition of dating first, only to find out later, sometimes many years later, that they don’t share the same outlooks on Family, core beliefs, or Marriage.  Anyone you potentially date, you must lead with your Faith. Do not list your wants or desires ahead of it. What’s most important to you, you list up front. What’s least important to you, you bury down inside your dating profile somewhere.

The person reading your profile, will get the idea that that is something you may want, but not require, because it was buried under a list of other qualities you chose to put front and center. People who grew up in Church have the advantage over those who have not. They usually make friends early in their childhood, who they keep throughout their entire faith walk with Jesus. Those of us who were “called out of the world”, out of a life committed to sin, have to find people who we can fellowship with. There is a learning curve to this, because this is a new way of life for people who came to Christ this way. Finding a mate out in the world is very different then finding a mate in the body of Christ.

The world has designated pick up spots to find a mate. They have clubs, bars, parties, Tinder, Instagram, Match, POF, OK Cupid, and the list goes on and on. But for the Christian Man or Woman, the Bible simply says “When a Man finds a Wife, he finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”. “A virtuous woman is a crown to her Husband”. But God does not tell us where to find a suitable mate. 

The Bible talks of a Man finding a Wife, not the other way around. A Woman does not “find” a Husband. It is not your job as a female to find a Husband. It is your job as a Christian girl and woman, to work towards becoming the type of woman God desires you to be, and then he will put you in proximity for a Godly man to find you. Do not mistake this as just “going to Church on Sunday” and going home. Many of us have fallen into this trap. Men and Women. 

God did not call us to be hermits.  Just go to the Church then go home.  Just go to work then go home. He has given all of us talents in Christ. We should be exercising whatever gifts God has given us. Your gift and your calling will lead you to your destiny in Christ. This requires your participation. How can you expect to be in proximity of Godly Men and Women, if you do not by faith choose to get involved in the body of Christ according to your gift?

Do not fall into this trap. Your mate is not waiting for you on Tinder or Match or Tik Tok and whatever else is out there. And if this is the avenue that you are using to find a mate, stop! Do not go looking for treasure in a landfill. Do not look amongst those who are broken. Look for a mate amongst the people whom God has broken and put back together. One of the greatest quotes I ever heard came from a Pastor by the name of Vlad Savchuk. He said “Do not find someone who God needs to work on;  Find someone whom God has already worked on”. 

When we go these routes to find a mate to date and to build a life with, this is often what we end up with. Someone who God will need to do lots of work on. But God did not call us to join up with people like this. He called us to join up with people who are like-minded like us in Spirit, in soul, and in practice.

I am of the same nature as every other man. Back when I was looking for mates through online dating, I was dating as defined by the world’s definition. To see if this person would be a suitable romantic and sexual partner for me. This was even after I was saved. Bad sinful behavior patterns that God suffered through in my life. What great compassion he had on me. I hurt people. I got hurt. I am walking in the prophecy that I listed above. I experienced all that I have said.  I experienced heartbreak, unfulfilled expectations, loneliness, and one I forgot to mention, disappointment. That is the end result of unfulfilled expectations. Disappointment.

God’s rules are not there to disappoint us, it is there to try and save us from the unnecessary disappointment that is waiting for every Christian boy and girl, Man and Woman, when we decide to date and form relationships with people who we are not equally yoked with. God knows that not having a mate to share the intimate and emotional things of your being can be lonely. He stated this in Genesis that it is not good for Adam to be alone. It is not good for us to be alone.  But God wants us to be matured spiritually and emotionally to be able to handle the type of relationship that he desires to put us in. 

It requires us to be responsible in ways we do not even realize. It’s like having a Child. You do not understand what it takes to raise one until you have one. Many people having children are unprepared to do so. Because they were “dating” to see if the person was suitable for a future intimate relationship, and not if they were suitable for them for the rest of their lives. I am living proof of what it is I am preaching.

I am a Father of one, whom I had out of wedlock, because I was “dating”. I did all the things I am telling you not to do. Even then God was with me, but God was not pleased with me and with the things I was doing. God’s love for us, does not negate his displeasure in our sinful activities. He urged me to “repent” and turn away, but I kept going down the path of pleasure versus the path of sacrifice. I did not want to wait for God to prepare me, and to prepare a perfect person for me, and I use the word “perfect” loosely. I just mean someone who would have the perfect spirit and soul and emotional disposition to tolerate me lol.

I was lusting for sure, but ultimately I was lonely. Loneliness will have you act out of character. Desire that is not met according to your time table, will have you act out of character. It caused Abraham to conceive a child with Hagar who was not his wife, and who God had not chosen or desired Abraham to have a child with. Many of us in Christ, will produce something with a “Hagar” dating and loneliness.  These things have lifelong repercussions. I will tell you what the Lord has told me through much prayer, much tears, much regret, and much disappointment. It is our view on dating and relationships that must change.

It is our view on dating that must change

It is our view on sex that must change. It is our view on loneliness that must change. I will share with you what God has shared with me, when you go “looking for a potential mate”, do not assess their ability to be a future sexually intimate person suitable for you first, assess their ability to be a future Husband, Wife, and someone to build a Family with. Someone who will help you become the best Christian you can be.

If and only if these line up, should you proceed with a relationship with this person. Do not have sex! Unfortunately, when we are smitten with someone, we have trouble seeing the trees from the forest, but by abstaining from sex, you will at the very least avoid a massive emotional loss,  and avoid committing spiritual transgression. You may find something down the line troubling about the person,  because unfortunately some people are great actors.  And if you commit the sin of fornication and being sexually intimate with them, it will become a great struggle to break away from that person.  You will be beholding to their desires and yours over Gods.

Not only does the word of God break open the definition of dating contrary to how the world defines it, it also breaks open the way in which we find someone to date. When God said “It is not good for the Man to be alone”, he put Adam into a deep sleep. While Adam was sleeping, God created a Woman for Adam. What God did not do, was sit Adam down in front of a runway, and send out a harem of women for Adam to choose from. Adam did not have the option to choose her height, hair color, eye color, bust size, whether she had dimples or not, how long her hair was, how her voice sounded, etc. It was God’s choice in whom Adam received as his Wife or help-meet.

Eve was giving to Adam without Adam’s input. Eve did not get to pick her Adam.  She did not get to choose Adams hair color, eye color, height, shoulder width, abdominal dimensions, occupation, or status or bank account.  It was God’s choice in whom Eve was giving as her Husband. When you are looking for a potential mate, and you check off and specify their “height”, “eye color”, “income level”, “muscle size”, “breast size”, “hobbies”, “skin color”, “ethnicity”, and all the other available categories, you have essentially boxed Gods options down to all the things and qualities that you find desirable in a mate.

This is a common premeditated action Christians make when trying to find a mate. Turning God into a matchmaker to find the Man or Woman of your dreams according to your desired lust.  What does it matter the color of a person’s eyes? How does that equate to that person being a suitable mate for Marriage, Family and intimacy? How does a person’s hair color equate to finding a suitable mate for Marriage, Family and intimacy? How does a person’s occupation equate to finding a suitable mate for Marriage, Family and intimacy? Can God not make a diamond out of coal, or a Man out of dust? Whatever Man God prepares for you, he will also prepare and prep him with the ability to take care of his Family.

These are the things that trip us up in finding a suitable mate, one that we are equally yoked with. Because we look with our eyes first, and by Faith second.  Do not look for a potential mate in the same manner as people who do not believe in Christ do. Look at their example. They look for a mate in all the ways I listed above. Look at the failures of their relationships and marriages. Even in the body of Christ amongst those who chose to find a mate that way, even they divorce and follow suit as those who don’t believe in Christ. But the Man and Woman who God has joined together, let no one tear apart or separate, Mark 10:9.

We were not meant to date a bunch of different individuals. This is a false doctrine we’ve been taught. We were not designed to open an app, go to a website, and select from a list of superficial criteria who is and who is not a suitable mate for us. We were not created or called by Christ to operate this way. The commonality in which you will find your mate, should be centered around Christ first.  Having the same interest in T.V. shows is nice to have, but that common interest will not pull you through when your Marriage starts testing the limits of your patience.

Christ is the place in which you start, and from there you begin to peel back the layers of each other to see what is underneath. It is the things underneath that will determine if that person can be a future lifelong mate for you. The things you can’t see. Not those things that are visible to the eye for everyone to see.

I will follow up next week with a message dealing with the same topic, because I feel this will turn into a series that will be a great blessing for all of those who will read it. We will deal with how to abstain from sex before marriage, and what to do if you have already had sex prior to marriage. How do you move forward in Christ after giving up your body to someone who is not your Husband or your Wife. I want you to look at intimacy in a completely different way. And not the way it’s being portrayed in the Movies, and on Netflix and Television.

I love and I pray God’s best for your life. As always you can leave a comment or a request, and I will respond at my earliest God willing.

God Bless you guys. Like this page if this has been a blessing for you. And I will be looking forward to speaking to you next week.