22 Sep Being Lonely In Christ…

I’m going to cut my vein open and let what’s inside me bleed out. One, because I believe God has called me to this, and two, because I love you. Don’t think it strange I say things like “I love You”. This should be COMMON talk amongst the body of Christ and the Church of believers.

I have walked most of my life not alone, but very lonely. I have had many friends. And at certain junctures of my life, very few. At the present, I only have a few. People shuffle in and our lives. Most often due to a change in circumstances. Or often times a significant change in them. The daily responsibilities and the cares of this world and our lives; Paul said it best: “Silas has left me, loving the things of this World”. Sometimes, years later certain people come back in. Sometimes not.

Because I’m a natural introvert, I’m a professional when it comes to the “why’s” and “how comes” of this life. I should have been a detective or crime scene investigator. Because it’s the details about things that I am obsessed with. The “whys” and the “how comes”. If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know much of my personal story. It may resemble many aspects of yours.

When I came to Christ (when Christ called me), I knew my life would change, but honestly, I had no idea of what that really meant. I knew I would have to stop doing certain things, speaking a certain way, behaving a certain way, etc. But I really had no idea about the “cost” or the sacrifice that would be required of me beyond the obvious like drinking, partying, clubbing, etc. No sex before marriage? I couldn’t even fathom the idea, let alone start putting it into practice. I had no idea of what was going to be ask of me. It went way beyond those things. They are probably the easier things to abstain from. The biggest battle that I never imagined I would have is with my emotions and my thoughts. The struggle has been painful, and the suffering at times unbearable. I’ve lost friends. I couldn’t blame them. I had change. I was a drag to talk to about sex and girls now. I was a drag to talk to about partying or drinking or anything that we had once jointly considered to be fun.

I remember going to a concert after being saved. I didn’t drink one beer. If you’ve ever been to a Concert, you know second best part to seeing he band is the tailgating that takes place before the concert. Who doesn’t drink a beer at a rock concert? Me. I was officially a party pooper. I was caught between trying to please God and still have fun with my friends. But in the end, all I did was wind up making them feel awkward I believe. Here they were drinking and laughing, and here I was sober and judging them. I wasn’t at all judging them, but I’m sure they felt that way on some level. So, a lot of my relationships slowly disappeared. And man I did miss them. They were a part of my life. It hurt me to lose them. The more I progressed in Christ and studied his word, the more isolated I had become. It got to a point where I was no longer going out anymore. I was lonely. Not alone. But lonely. God had separated me from some of my sins I was cemented in, but along with that came great loneliness. Satan comes when you’re at your weakest. And I was fragile. I very much desired someone I could lay out all my emotions to. Someone who could relate to me and what I was dealing with. All Christians trying to live for Christ can relate to the struggle that it is. I thought I would find a bride, get married, have a Family, and be a destined “Church goer” and Bible Study attendee. My life today does not resemble anything like that. I am not married. I don’t have a spouse. I don’t have a Family. I am still not alone, but I am still very much lonely. I fought with Jesus back and forth over the years regarding this struggle in my life. And I won’t have you to be ignorant, I have met woman and dated over the years, but I’ve never had a Companion in Christ. My equal. The two are very different. Some call it a “Soul Mate”. I don’t know if I would use that term, but it is fitting in this scenario to explain that fact that I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone and felt like “they were my soul mate”.

I was in-love before, before giving my life to Jesus. But I’ve never been in-love while being saved. My lifestyle change removed me from my old life, but I did not replace the old habits with new ones. Better ones. This contributed greatly to my loneliness. And actually, I did not know where to start. I’ve never done this before. I really didn’t know how to go about starting “good” habits. It’s easy to make friends when your interest is centered around sinful activity. Even for an introverted person like myself. But I found it to be difficult to do when centered around the greatest cause in the World, “Christ”.

I had finally had enough. I could no longer function in the way I was going about my life. I could no longer let my vulnerabilities hold me back from my calling. As a man, we hate to be vulnerable. I don’t know if that ever completely goes away. But I am working on that every day. The truth is I need Christ, and I need the body. If you are in the body of Christ, then that means I need you too! We have many people who are saved, but yet they are so lonely. We have collectively failed one another. The failure is on both sides. The failure to reach out and love one another, and the failure to reach out and let someone help us when we needed. I needed help many times in my life. A hand to pray with. An ear to listen. An encouraging word from someone who cares about me. We’ve created this invisible box that we live in with no windows. We look out but no one can look in. Our box is decorated so beautifully on the outside, but on the inside were like the garage that hasn’t been cleaned out in years. Stuff all over the place. Tires in the corner. A Treadmill turned on its side. Boxes of clothes that stop fitting us 25 pounds ago. Will never get this disaster cleaned up on our own. We need some serious assistance. But we don’t ask for help. We just keep add more to it and let everything piled up until everything falls over and there’s no room to even step foot in that place.

That’s when your life comes crashing down around you. And mine had done that. Everything around me just tumbled. I could no longer deny what I was looking at. I was a mess inside. I NEEDED HELP! What I was lacking was fellowship. Fellowship with people who had a genuine love for Christ and living his best life. I tried doing this on my own for years, and I would do well for a while, and then end right back up where I didn’t want to be. It became clear to me now, that this is not an “activity”, but a lifestyle. I would have to live this way. I would have to continually seek out fellow shipping we the body of believers. It was no longer an “option”, but a necessity. My very life depended on it. Fellow shipping with other believers who are strong in Faith, can have an incredible effect on your life. I think one of the biggest effects it has, is by having the ability to take your personal problems out of focus. When we are alone, our problems become the biggest problems in the World. There is no problem that is bigger than ours. I dare you to find one. When your focus on helping others, your problems will shrink, because your mind and your spirit is preoccupied with the problems and concerns of others. You cannot be or live your best life in Christ if your mind is constantly on your problems. Losing a Job and being out of work for months at a time can have a devastating effect on you emotionally. It is a debilitating feeling. Unless a person has been there, they will not know the emotional and psychological toll that can take on a person. The constant rejection. The constant worry. The lack of self-confidence that sets in. The struggle to maintain a positive self-image. It can be demoralizing. The Bible says that God is working, even in those times in ways we cannot see.

When you’re not seeing things get better, you will begin to doubt even those words. I am in that situation now. I’ve come to a crossroads. I don’t know what’s around the corner for me. I am naturally stubborn, and if you want me to get the point an acorn would need to fall from the tree and give me one right on top of my head. God shows us things all the time, but if were not in the correct place emotionally and psychologically, we will not see it. Worry has the ability to blind us. Spending time with God, is the only way to hear him. It is during these times, that he reveals himself to us. He will not fight for your attention over the sound of your television. Or over the sound of your iTunes stream. Or over the sound of your favorite youtuber. No, he will only speak to you when you take what is most precious to you and sacrifice it for him. He wants to be the most important thing to you in your life, because he made you his top priority.

I never really got that or understood that Spiritually until now. He wants to be more important to me then football, video games, music, and trying to find love. I will admit, I’m struggling with trying to find that balance. My mind works from one extreme to the next. Unfortunately, or Fortunately, the Bible does not mince words when it comes to this topic. Anything that is more important to you then your relationship with God, God has called an idol. Anything you choose that goes against the principals and character of Christ, that you willfully allow in, participate in, and willfully engage in becomes idolatry. It has become so intertwined within our society and our lives that it is hard to even see now. The seriousness of that sin has been lost, because most Christians are engaging in it in various degrees. I am not saying you cannot enjoy a hobby, and God knows if you need to work 2 jobs to support your Family. I am talking about free time that you have. Do you use it to spend time with God, or do you use it to entertain and feed your carnal desires?

That question should cut right to bone. There should be no gray areas. That she produce either a “yes” or “no” response. If you do use your free time to spend time with God sometimes, you will need to work out if it is enough or not. If you are not using any of your free time to seek God. To spend time with God. Then you definitely are not spending enough time with him. You must spend time with him to desire him. If you do not, you will not. And that will lead you to a place of barren. You do not want to seek out God when you are led to that place. It is not a good place to be. God puts people there when he wants their attention. If he put you somewhere to get your attention, then he made a drastic adjustment in your life. Ask him to get you through it and cultivate your relationship with him during the process. So, I am lonely in Christ. Very much so. Some days are better than others. Today started out rough. I was down for a bit. It happens. But my heart is still pumping. So, unless I drop dead, I’m still alive. And I will go out today and try to live my best life for Christ.