03 Sep Loneliness in Christ

This will be a very uncomfortable blog. Uncomfortable because it will put me in a very vulnerable place. I hate feeling vulnerable. I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid it. It happened when I my first real relationship ended. I’ve never felt so vulnerable before in my life. I had no control over my emotions. I had no control over how to contain them. How to any sense out of them. How to handle them in through the course of a break up. So I did my best to try and avoid ever feeling that way again. That was the only thing I could control. But I will share my story, in the hopes that it will help others. Especially if you’ve had a life that has patterned mine.

I was a very insecure kid. I was weighted with self-esteem issues stemming from childhood incidents. I had very little confidence in myself. This did not go away when I became an Adult. It followed me, like a puppy does its owner. It just grew bigger as I got older. It learned to adapt and grow and adjust itself as I matured, so much so that it attached itself to my soul. I could no longer separate the “that” from “You”. It had soldered itself to me as if it was with me from the beginning.

Not to be over dramatic, but for some people, the World has been beating on them since they were a kid. I am not a part of that group. But what I did experience growing up in my early years, left a remarkable stain on me.

I grew up in a single-Family home. All my friends did, except one. Omar. He was the only friend I had who had a 2-parent home. He was an anomaly in my whole neighborhood. As I went throughout my life and met others who had a 2-parent household, I realized that my low self-esteem began earlier then I imagined. I never thought not having a Father when I was younger, and as a Teen was that big of a deal. Remember, most of my friends growing up didn’t have one, so I thought it was normal.

As I started meeting and befriending others, I realized that for them, having a 2-parent home, with a Father and Mother, was their normal. I suddenly felt like I was the one that was “abnormal”. And reading the Bible it was solidified! As uncomfortable as this is, I am going to expose my vulnerability. Not for sympathy. But for healing. Not for me. Hopefully for whoever reads this blog. Often times our problems seem very individualized. As if they were created for you and you only. You feel isolated. You feel alone.

There were a multitude of shows I watched growing up that had 2-parent households. The Brady Bunch, Growing Pains, Webster, Good Times, etc. But the one that had the most impact on me was a show my Mom watched faithfully. It was called the “Cosby Show”. This show, this Family, became the idea Family that I would aspire to. It was my unicorn. And I would keep my unicorn tucked deep in my heart, and not let anyone take it away from me. For me, having my own Family would be my inspiration. But not just any Family. The Huxtable Family.

To date, I have failed at that goal…. I have no Family of my own. I am not married. After years and years of holding on to that unicorn, I have slowly loosened the grip.

In the Spring season going into the Summer of 2018, everything I held sacred ended abruptly. I had suffered the worse disappointment of my life. I stopped talking to God. I stopped praying to God. I stop reading my Bible. I stopped worshiping God. For all tense and purposes, I was done with God. I did not want to read another Bible verse. Hear another Sermon. I did not want to hear about how he did this for x and that for y. I was not x or y, so I did not want to hear about it. I was me. And he had not done that for me. I was through with trying. I was through with hoping. I was through with feeling. I knew at some point, the Holy Spirit would come to minister to me to not give up. To push on. To faint not. I did not want to hear from him. I did not want to get back up. I did not want to push on. I did not want to continue to be beating on like a rug. I was done. I could no longer see the light at the end of the Tunnel. When you can no longer see the light at the end of the Tunnel, it’s puts you in a very vulnerable and dangerous place. The hope that I was holding out for had dissipated. As my Faith evaporated, and my pain increased, I no longer had regard for the day. In fact, I despaired it. Knowing God and his persistent spirit, the only way I knew to shut him out was to not be present to hear him speak.

So I did what I only knew to do to drown out his pleading. I started to drink. I drank every day. I would go to work. So, my mind was on work. And when I came home, I would drink so I would be preoccupied with intoxication to not hear him speak. I didn’t get sloppy drunk, because I’m a light weight and can’t drink much, but I drank enough to numb my emotions. And that’s what I wanted. To not feel anything. To not feel hope. To not feel expectation. I was tired of feeling. I just wanted to float. To just “be”, with no emotion. I had finally had enough. I had finally giving up. The restraints I had before where lifted. I got reckless with my life and my decisions. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I was holding on to something that had the appearance of being noble but had now become fool’s gold. I was free falling spiritually, and I was purposely avoiding any sign of a bottom. Bottom meaning the point you hit the ground and “come to your senses”. I was even done with senses. With all the sense I had, I still ended up here. So how much sense did I have and how had it aided me thus far?

I had prayed. I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed. I fasted. I prayed and fasted. Through tears I prayed. I pleaded. I fasted. I prayed. I became naked and bare. I was confused. I was angry. But most of all, I was hurt. I was in pain. I was in pain in God. The worse pain to date. So much so I no longer wanted to speak to him. I no longer wanted to be in his presence. I did not know what to say if I was. I would just sit in silence. After praying so hard, and fasting for so long, when God’s decision is made, there is really nothing left to say. I had no clever words, or spiritual sounding statements or eloquent speech. My prayers were desperate. They did not sound scholarly. I was way past that point. Through all my praying. Through all my pleading. Through all my pain. God had said “no”. And that “No” broke me in half. And as the months went by I crumbled into pieces. Fragments of myself. You cannot pray or fast anything into your life that God does not want you to have. God rarely changes his mind. I walked away from God for a good year. I questioned Gods word and his authenticity, and everything I had ever believed and thought to be true. I realized God does not give you the desires of your heart, like many people popularly advertise.

God does not promise you a “Family” or a “Spouse”. I could not find that scripture. He did say it is not good for Man to be alone. Meaning, we are not suppose to go through this life by ourselves. The Body of Christ is a “Family”, so technically we should never be alone. But I’m not talking about technically. I wanted a Family of my own and still do. Whether I get it or not is another thing entirely.

I’m not telling you to not hold on to your “hope” or your “unicorn”. Whatever it may be. If it is in your heart, it came from somewhere. If it is of God, it will come to pass. If it’s not. It won’t. And it will hurt. Bad. Very bad. It will have you question God. It will have you question the Bible. It will have you question yourself. Just try to remember what Christ did. Sometimes that’s all you have. All you can see in times like that.

I remember seeing a Couple, married or unmarried, and God help me, but I would feel indignation. I ashamed to admit such a thing. But seeing other peoples happiness when you are not on the inside, can be like a thorn to your unhappiness. I could not for the life of me understand how God would bless people who had no regard for him, and allowed hardship for those who had high regard for him? What I’ve come to learn is this:

All things are not from God. When you see someone doing well, but they do not know God and walk with him, they are not blessed by God. Not their big house. Not their nice clothes. Not their luxurious car. Not their beautiful or handsome spouse. If you know God, if you walk with God, you are blessed by God. This Blessing is hard to see at times, when it does not manifest itself in the things we are trained to believe to be blessings from God. We see Blessing as in the things that Satan offered Jesus when he was tempted during his fasting. Which was the carnal desires that all men lust after. If we see someone who has a lot of money, a beautiful home, a beautiful or handsome spouse, perfect health, we look at that person’s life and assumed they are “blessed”. I do the same thing. I say that person is so blessed.

But I’ve made a awesome discovery. That you can be blessed and not have all or any of those things. Had I had all of those things, would I have made this discovery? Absolutely not! I would have believed I was blessed because of those things. I know it sounds crazy. Believe me it does. But you can lose EVERYTHING and still be blessed by God. How is this so? With all my disappointments. With all my failures. All my smashed hopes and foiled dreams. Broken expectations and wasted efforts, God can still be with me. I lie to you not; I want to exceed at everything I do! I do. I want that. I don’t want disappointment. I don’t want heartbreak. But knowing that God is still there and that I’m actually blessed even when my world has been shaking at its very foundation, gives me solace. But the pain is very real. I kid you not. It is unbearable at times, so much so I despair of life itself, as Paul stated.

I feel like this blog post would be incomplete if I’m not able to write about the other side to this. When there is another side to this story, I will write it. But for now, my loneliness in Christ is a living thing. I know he cares. I know he loves me. But I don’t understand what he’s doing. And the pain is real……