15 Oct When you have nothing left to say to God…

I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve prayed. I’ve worshiped. I’ve prayed some more. Honestly, I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve made my request known to God, in every way I know how. Maybe the words I use are not effective. Maybe my prayers are not eloquent enough. One thing I do know, is my prayers are like a scratched record player. There so redundant at this point that I’m tired of hearing myself pray. I’m tired of hearing my own voice in my own head asking and pleading the same things over and over again. I suffered a major blow this past week. An opportunity was snatched right out from under me. One I prayed for. One of many. I have nothing left to give at this point. I’ve exhausted everything I know to do. I am absolutely exhausted. Confused. In disbelief. All the above. I don’t know where I’m headed, or where I’m going. I’ve prayed for clarity; I’ve prayed for understanding. I understand nothing, and I am not clear on anything. I’m grasping at straws at this point, as this is all I have. I sit in silence with God. And I don’t say a word. I just sit there. He says nothing back. It’s just quiet. There’s no conversation going back and forth. I’m quiet. He’s quiet. I’ve been let down so many times, I can afford to pray and experience another disappointment. So I’ve stopped asking. If God is sovereign, which I believe he is, then I shouldn’t have to keep asking every single night. I’ve asked several nights, and many prayers. He knows my desires, he knows my heart, and more importantly he knows my pain. So I’m not cutting my vein open anymore. I’m just going to let the scars skin over. That’s the place I’m at. Where I’ve been faithful. I’ve been hopeful. I’ve been patient. And all my hopes at every single turn has been dashed against the rocks. Smashed against the wall of disappointment. You can’t suffer disappointment if you no longer “hope”. So I’ve put hope back on the shelf. Because when the anger, frustration and tears all pass, and your situation remains, what is there left to say? Yes, I am disappointed in Christ. Yes, I am frustrated in Christ. Yes, I am angry in Christ. The setback I suffered this time, was not even completely shocking. I suffered them before, so I was prepared. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I loath the “prosperity” preaching that many mega-pastors preach these days. Things got so bad I started questioning my own Theology. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m the one who’s been in darkness all these years. They seem to have it “all”. Maybe I’m the one that needs to re-examine his faith. I compare my faith and life to theirs, and it pales in comparison, on every external measure. They have none of the problems I have. Are not suffering in the manner that I am, in-fact their lives seem to be a lot more enrich then mine is. Let’s face it, their lives are. I can’t deny it. I have no clever scripture to combat the eye test. Their lives are a lot richer than mine. A lot more whole, and a lot more fulfilling. You ever feel like that? That your living your best life for God, but other people just seem to be getting ahead of you? People who don’t even respect God or teach honest doctrine? Everyone loves a good fight, but I’m waiting for the round to end. I’m waiting for the bell so I can go sit in my corner. I feel like I’m in the 4th overtime, and I can’t muster the energy to get back out on the football field. The coach calls the play, but I can’t even hear the play I’m so tired and battered. That’s how I feel. Like a boxer who can no longer raise his arms to block the shots that’s coming to his face. I lost my mouthpiece, and I can’t see out of both eyes. I’m breathing heavy, and I need this round to end so I can sit in the corner and get a much-needed rest. This is what it means to be broken. This is what it feels like to be at your wits end. And this is the time when our Faith is tested the most. When your hanging on by a thread. When your grip on things around you have loosened up. When you can no longer feel your fingers, because you’ve been holding on to “hope” for so long. When callouses have formed on your hand from serious gripping. Many of us have callouses on our souls. Callouses from years of disappointment. I have pledged to always be honest through my writing. To hide nothing. To shelf pride. I’m honestly do not know where God is taking me. I dare not guess or pretend to know. Every time I’ve done that, I was made to realize how foolish I really am. So I won’t keep praying for this or praying for that. I will just make my grievances known, and if boulders keep falling on the top of my head crushing me, I will know it is his will that they crush me. In the meantime, I will sit in his presence at times. Saying nothing. Just sitting in silence. But often times, such silence has a way of saying a lot more then you could have ever said, if you opened your mouth to speak.