09 Jul Part 2: Avoiding sex before marriage.

I’m so happy for anyone who has come back to read this second part of the series of “Do not date people you are not equally yoked with”. This time I will dive deeper into a more intimate side of an intimate relationship. I wanna talk about sexual intimacy. I know this is something that is now seen as an “expected activity” amongst anyone who is in a romantic relationship with someone, but God did not intend for sexual intimacy to take place with any one, outside of covenant relationship, which we know as marriage.

Dating multiple people is not normal.  I repeat, dating multiple people is not normal.  You will probably never hear these words said by anyone again.  I know it’s normal today that people do it, but our society as a whole today is very abnormal.  The popular belief is, the more people you date, the more you’ll get to understand yourself and know what it is you’re looking for in a “long term partner”.  So people will say “take your time”.  “Don’t rush into anything”.  

“See other people, don’t get attached to one person”.  All the while, the goal is to ultimately be with just one person.  On the surface, most people think this is sound advice.  But we are more depressed, un-married, and more divorced than ever today.  For such sound advice, it has been working pretty poorly.

With all the relationship advice, relationship talk shows, dating apps, and self-help books, why are we in worse shape today in our relationships than we were before we had all this so-called “good advice”?  It’s because we are taught to date on things that are not Biblical, and because we have forgotten our natural roles in a relationship.  I will go intimately into roles in a later lesson.  Today we will focus on dating and relationships.

It is not good for the Man to be alone

The Bible says: “It is not good for the Man to be alone” in Genesis 2:18, and in Proverbs 18:22, the Bible says “When a Man finds a Wife he finds a good thing”.  First, let’s define what a marriage and a covenant relationship is. A covenant, which God has created and establishes, is a relationship in which certain promises are made, and those promises that are made cannot be broken. This type of relationship is “foreign” to the human mind and understanding. Because as people who are sinful, flawed and imperfect, not only do we not keep our covenant relationships amongst each other, but we cause others not to be able to keep their covenant promises with us.

Because of our sinful nature, it is impossible for us to maintain our word and our promises in all instances. God has single handedly kept his covenant with us, IN SPITE of our sinful natures. We are rebellious, and we have rejected God every step of the way and at every turn. He has glorified himself in spite of our sins against him and each other. Any normal person would have walked away from mankind long ago. 

And when I say “normal” I mean the same nature as us. A sinful nature. None of us would have been able to withstand all the pain, shame, abuse, neglect, rejection, rebellion, selfishness, arrogant, ungrateful, disinterested, adulterous, self-seeking, malicious and greediness that we as creation have all subjected God too. And that list is just the tip of the iceberg. I could fill this lesson up with just the things we’ve done to God from the garden up to this very minute.

Most of us could not stay in a covenant relationship with someone if you even suffered just 1 thing on that list. But God is long-suffering, something that we are not capable of being very long or with consistency. God knowing this, gave conditions on when we could break a covenant amongst each other. If someone in the Church is not abiding by the ordinances of God, cast them out as an unbeliever. If your Husband or your Wife commits adultery, you are able to divorce them. But God does not break his covenant with his people. Though there are many who God has essentially “cut-off”, or pruned off the tree, who was unwilling to be redeemed.

That is a hard thing to say. The unwillingness to be redeemed. The unwillingness to be forgiving. It is not that God will stop forgiving our sins, that’s what he has consequences for as well as divine justice. At some point, the person who humbles themselves before God, will be redeemed by God, because God leaves no one behind who is willing to be helped. But God cannot help a person who is unwilling. Not “able”, but unwilling. God knows that we are not “able”.

I have proposed to quit more times in my life at different junctures in my life more than I care to remember. I was not able to pull myself through.  Not in my strength.  It was God who pulled me through, after much fighting and kicking on my part.  God pulls us through hard times. He pulls us through our tribulations. But he is unable to pull us, if we are resistantly kicking and struggling to go in the opposite direction.  Ever try pulling a child who is resistant, because they don’t wanna leave the playground, or the toy store or a friend’s house? We are sometimes like that. A big child. Even when you have your own Family, a Job, a house, God still sees us as his children. Just older and with more responsibility and greater expectation.

Do not resist the pull of the Holy Spirit. Allow it to pull you without resistance. Little kids do not want to leave the toy store or the playground because it’s fun and it feels good to them. We are like that with sin. The World is sin’s toy store, and we find it hard to leave. Habits, vices, patterns that we’ve all become accustomed to.  Our flesh war against the Holy Spirit, because it would rather sin and die, then deny and live.  This type of mindset and nature is incapable of keeping a covenant. I want you to understand this clearly. Because without Christ being centered in your life, your marriage will break

It’s not a matter of “if”, but a matter of “when”.

You are not as great as you think you are. The person you marry is not as great as they make themselves out to be. When they workout, they sweat and stink just like everybody else. They pass gas like everybody else. At times they cuss like everybody else. They’ve told lies before, and they may have told lies to you. They have certainly lied to their Parents before. At some point in your relationship and in your marriage, they will take you for granted if they haven’t already done so. There’s things about you that they just put up with, but certainly don’t like..

That shirt you love to wear, they secretly hate it. That particular noise you make, “they find it annoying”. Do not think when you find a partner that they are lucky to have you.

If you go into a relationship or marriage with that type of mindset, you will have problems on top of the normal problems that will be coming already. The Bible says “when a Man finds a Wife, he finds a good thing, and has gained favor from the Lord“. According to the Bible, it is a good thing, not a lucky thing.  And this covenant relationship or marriage gains favor from God. 

We gain God’s favor when we do the things he called us to do in this life. It is the will of God for a Man and a Woman to marry, so in-turn God blesses it. Neither is “lucky” to have the other, but because they did this “good thing”, they have obtained the favor of God. When we come into relationship with someone of the opposite sex, we should be seeking to see if this person would be suitable to go through life with, so that you can marry and fall under the favor of God. We have drifted away from that, and dating has just become a fun activity.

Where we swipe left or swipe right.  Who reading this thinks they are well-equipped to find the right kind of Man to marry?  Who reading this thinks they are well-equipped to find the right kind of Woman to marry?  Who reading this has a “list” of things their potential partner needs to have?  We can dance around how many of us choose to date, or we can be honest with ourselves, and more importantly honest with God.  

God knows you inside and out.  Instead of saying one thing with your mouth, while desiring something different in your heart, be honest with God.  But first we must be honest with ourselves.  Being honest is hard, especially when it entails admitting things that go against scripture, but what we pretend is not there, never gets resolved.  God can’t work on anything in your life that you’re not willing to acknowledge and address about yourself.  The best partner you can ever have is one who will challenge you to address the things about yourself that you’ve been running from your whole life.  We all have area’s in our lives like that.

You want someone who is actively pursuing Christ.  Not someone who says “I am a Christian”, but they are not pursuing Christ.  They are not fellowshipping with other believers.  They do not have an active prayer life.  Their life should reflect what they believe.  What we believe is what we live.  If you believe in Christ, your life will reflect Christ.   If you believe in Christ with only your mouth, your life will reflect that.  

People will tell you, do not rush to get married. I will tell you, if you find someone suitable to marry, what is the rush not to?  On the surface it appears to be sound advice, but what people really mean by this is, date many people before making a decision, because dating many different people will help you better know what you want.  The problem with that is it’s not Biblical.  That is the dating patterns of a fornicator.  

I speak of what I know, because I was one.  I like to date different women to experience different women.  Not to magically come to a realization of what it is I really want.  And that is the crux of the problem.  We date according to what we “want”, not according to what we need!  Which is why I asked the question, “who reading this believes they are equipped to find a Man or Woman suitable for them to marry”.  

We must realize that we pick our mates based on what we want, and not on what we need, because we rarely know what we need.  So we search for what we “think we need”.    

Having sex is beyond just the physical activity.  The Bible says we become “one flesh”.  That is not just metaphoric.  And who would ponder on this statement today?  It has been treated as a casual activity. We have TV programs, websites, and dating apps promoting sex daily.  Most of us have all fallen under the spell of this deception.  We are so bombarded with sexual imagery and conversation, that many of us were racing to lose our virginity.  

 

The world is set up to strip us of our sexual innocence. And the strongest allies that the world deploys to our eyes and to our minds is through our entertainment.  Television, Media, Netflix, YouTube, Instagram, Music, Movies, Books, Magazines, etc.  And the people they use the most, are the people we look up to the most.  Celebrities. 

These are some of the most beloved and attractive people.  They have money, they have fame, they have beauty,  so they should be the happiest people of all.  They have all the things that most people spend their whole lives trying to capture to some degree.  Because this is supposed to be what happiness looks like.   

This is how happy they are.  The divorce rate amongst celebrities is over 50%. And that’s just after the first marriage.  Many of them marry multiple times and get divorce multiple times.  So how is dating working out for those who seem to have the most?  So there must be another reason, if even those who seem to have the “perfect life” can’t seem to get it right.

I believe one of the greatest things that can ever happen to you, is to have one sexual partner for your entire life. I pray that for you. God desires that for you.

The truth is, many of us use our natural sexual desires, in very unnatural ways.  We use it to build our self-esteem.  We use it to try to get people to love us.  We use it as a tool of power over another person.  We use it to manipulate people.  We used to get things from people.  We use it to make money.

Sex does not cure loneliness.  Sex is not a substitute for intimacy.  Sex will not fill the holes in your life. It will not mend your brokenness.  All it does is cover your wounds, but it never heals it.  When the cover is removed, the wounds are still present. 

Our emotions dictate how we approach physical relationships with people  

So we are driven sexually by more than just our hormones.  Our hormones are the biological part of it.  The natural functions that allow our bodies to have intimate physical relationships with people.  But it is our emotions that dictate how we approach physical relationships with people.  

One of the biggest reasons is loneliness, and two, love.  These two, I believe are the biggest reasons we get into sexual relationships, because we find it incredibly hard to open up to people. Even our Parents. If you want to not be lonely, you have to risk being vulnerable. True intimacy comes from being vulnerable emotionally in front of people. It is a lot easier to be vulnerable physically, then it is emotionally. That’s why most of us find it easier to hook up with someone and have sex with them, rather then tell them you were an orphan. Or that you were sexually abused. Or that you were raped. Or that you were abandoned.  Or that you were bullied and teased in Elementary school. Or that you never went to your Prom because you couldn’t get a date.  

But the more we keep the things that hurt us the most to ourselves, and not share them with anyone, the lonelier you will grow to be.  Having sex will not fix that.  You cannot use sex to in place of real intimacy.  Real intimacy only comes from opening yourself up to people.  

Sex with different partners will not fix the brokenness inside of you.  It just breaks you further.

And you shouldn’t open yourself up to everyone.  But you must be willing to reveal yourself to someone.  To someone you trust.  If you can’t do this with the person you are dating, because you don’t feel comfortable opening yourself up to them,  then you should not be dating them.  The person you can build a life with, will be a person you can open yourself up to.

For some people loneliness or love may not be the emotional catalyst for sexual intimacy with different people. It could be their way of self medicating. A way of dealing with pain or trauma, can be through intimate relationships with people.

Sex can be used as numbing agent for some people. It takes them away temporarily from the things that are troubling them. Things that cause you anxiety. Things that we find hard to cope with and talk about.  Things that have happened in our lives that were traumatic for us.  I think I have used sexual relationships for all the above. 

But when sex has become “normalized” amongst people who are unmarried, it is hard to tell the difference or even see where most of our sexual urges come from, since society has just made it “normal” to have outside of marriage.  It’s just become the thing to do when you’re with someone and not married. 

Some of us were exposed to things at an early age that we should not have seen.  Or had things done to us and in front of us, that should not have happened.  This exposure at an early age sets a young boy or girl on a path of sexually abusing their bodies. 

I’m not talking about sexual abuse in the criminal sense.  I am talking about when we use sex outside of the construct of marriage.  That’s why it’s so hard for us not to.  We all have natural urges, but more importantly we all have our own issues.  Remember what I said, the physical urge is there to allow our bodies to function and  perform, but it is our emotions that are driving the desires. 

If you view physically sexual relationships as something that’s only for people who are in love, then you will be most tempted to have sex when you fall in love with someone.  If you some else views sexual relationships as something you do when your dating or in a relationship with someone, then that person will be tempted to have sex with every person they date and have romantic relationship with.  

I want you to analyze how you view sexual intimacy between two people.  The answer to this question will reveal where your struggles are stimming from.  We are talking so far about things that we can do as an individual. Notice that I did not list a lot of different Bible verses for you to read.  Because it was not the words in the Bible that helped me with my dating issue, it was my relationship with Christ.  

You can read the Bible from cover to cover as many times as you want, but until you start putting into practice the things that God is telling us, we will always fail at dating.  I am not trying to teach you to simply try not to have sex before you get married. That is not a viable solution.  Sadly, in most Churches I believe this is the strategy that is most deployed.  Simply read the Bible, and do what it says.  That may be true, but that is not very helpful.

First we must understand why we think the way we do about dating and relationships, and why we don’t look at them the way God does.  Then we must remove the things in our lives that encourage us to date and get into relationships contrary to the way God has designed it.  

That means we can’t watch everything that streams on Netflix.  We can’t watch certain things on YouTube, or on Cable and not think these things play a part in how we think and feel.  We can’t keep listening to certain songs that preach things that go against Gods design for us.  We need to edit our playlist.  We need to edit our Netflix list.  We need to get rid of some Cable channels.  We need to stop watching certain things on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok.  

We must be careful of what we watch. Because what we watch sticks with us. You can’t “un see” something that was never meant for you to see. It either has an effect on you, or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, consider it a blessing. If it does, it will stick with you until the end of your nature life.

Satan is more than happy to play those odds.  That’s why pornography and sexual imagery is so powerful.  It’s a distortion of what “sexual intimacy” is supposed to be.  And it’s this distortion that is creating such unrealistic expectations in marriages and relationships. 

The problem is through dating and developing sexual relationships, we have been stripped of  our innocence.  We see this In Genesis 3:11 when God says in the garden to Adam: “Who told you that you were naked“? God asks this question because he sees Adam hiding.  Something Adam has never done before.  

When we sin against God, we have a tendency to hide first, and confess later. Adam could have come to God after he disobeyed him, but he chose to hide and let God come looking for him.  That’s what we tend to do as well.  Have sex, and wait for God to come looking for us through his conviction.  We are quick to sin, and slow to confess!

We are innocent and we are to remain sexually innocent until the day of marriage. God knew the dangers of not following his intended will for us. Many of us will leave a relationship if we do not find the physical relationship meeting our expectations.  If you’ve never had any other partners, or if you never exposed yourself to any sexual imagery, then you would have no built-up expectations.  We have built up expectations due to our experience of being with other people.  So we compare our present mate with our ex-mates.   

We compare the way they dress to our past ex-partners. We compare the way they smell.  We compare the way they eat.  We compare the way they look or they way they don’t look.  We compare the way they speak.  We compare the way they laugh.  We compare the way they make a living.  And the list of “comparison’s” gets bigger the more people we date and share physical experiences with.   

God does not want us to date more, he wants us to date less.  He wants us to date the right kind of people with the right purpose in mind.  This requires us to be discerning, and yes picky spiritually.  Today we got it backwards.  We’re picky physically, but not picky spiritually.  God can easily produce attraction for a person, versus trying to change the heart of a lying and dishonest individual.

No matter how much you pray, how much Bible you read, and how much you hear me teach, if you do not change the way you look at dating, relationships, and sexual intimacy, then you will never be able to develop the relationship with God that I believe we all desire.   

Let’s all try to use God as our means to escape the traumas and disappointments in our lives.  Most of us all practice escapism in one form or another.  Movies, Television, Dating, sexual relationships, are all ways we can use to “escape” the real things that our lives that are painful, that are stressful, and that are unfulfilling.  And we can all do it under the guise of “it’s fun”.  But really, there is something broken in us.

I am not trying to teach you to simply try not to have sex before you get married. That is not a viable solution. You must first do what Jesus said in the book of Matthew 5:29: “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for. thee that one of thy members should perish, and. not that thy whole body should be cast into hell“.

We must cut off the things that are causing us to sin

We must cut off the things that are causing us to sin. Praying and reading the Bible is not enough. We must abstain from certain T.V. shows, certain Netflix shows, certain movies, certain types of music, certain types of things on YouTube. We must avoid going to certain types of places and hanging around certain types of people. A whole shift in your lifestyle may be required. A job change may be required. You cannot abstain from anything when you constantly surround yourself around things that entice you to that sinful activity.

I have personally stopped watching things that started out innocently enough, but took a turn for the worse about 8 episodes in. It is at that point when you have to make a decision to keep going, or to “pluck it out”. This is where the war is won. You may lose some battles. But the war is won in these decisional moments. If you are trying to abstain from pre-marital sex, then why are you listening to sexually explicit songs? Why are watching sexually suggestive or explicit movie scenes? These things are counter-productive. You cannot gain victory over anything in life with habits like that!

Some of you are already involved sexually with someone who is not your Husband or your Wife. How do you stop? In all the ways I mentioned above. If you are living together, then separate. You will not stop if you are under the same roof and sharing the same bed. It is hard to stop when you just share a bed and not a living space with a person, so it is double-hard to stop when you share a bed and living space with a person.

If you’ve made up your mind to stop, and the person you are in a relationship with has no desire to stop, or will not take any action to stop, then follow Matthew 5:29, and pluck them out of your life. God will find you someone more suitable. Helpmeet means a “suitable helper”.  God will find someone, who you are suitable for.  If you are a Man, God will find someone who is suitable for you.

My desire is not to deter anyone from sex. It is nature, and it is beautiful when it is used in the right manner. I do not want you walking away thinking your desire for sexual intimacy is wrong or sinful. It is very natural to desire it, so I desire for you to exercise it to its fullest potential with Gods favor on it. For some, these words will not be a deterrent for them. They have made their decision in their heart, they will do what it is they please. The pleasure their relationship brings with their girlfriend or boyfriend is more appealing to them than Gods favor.

What God has showed me, is that three things can happen when you have sex outside of marriage through dating and relationships. You could 1. Have sex and nothing happens; 2. Have sex and catch a curable or incurable disease; and 3. Have sex and have a child out of wedlock or have an abortion. And what the Holy Spirit said to me was, before you have sex with this person, “Do you want your seed or offspring coming out of that person’s womb?“. 

And sadly, the answer to this question for most of my dating life, was No. I looked back on past relationships, and having a child was not on my list when I was being intimate with them. Sadly this is how most of us are being conceived today. We are the result of two people coming together for all the reasons in the world except to have a child and to start a Family. Lust has consequences. Not getting to the root of our brokenness has consequences.

God is all-wise.  He sees the end result when we walk away from his design of the things.  He sees the end from the beginning.  The guy that you’re dating, ask yourself the question the Holy Spirit asked me.  If the answer to that question is no, then leave the relationship.  If it is yes, then get married.  And if he refuses, then allow God to find someone you will be more suitable for.      

It is my prayer that we hold God’s way of dating and having relationships close to our hearts, and not conform to society’s failed model on dating and relationships.  Allow God to work through us so we can show a broken society that it is Gods way that works. There is great honor in that. There is great favor in that. Your kids will have a model to follow in. They will be able to look at you as Parents and imitate what you have set as an example. They won’t have to look outside of their home for a hero, because their heroes will be in the same household as them..

If you have lost your virginity, or if you have been living a lifestyle of sex outside of marriage, it is never too late to live Gods way. It’s only too late once your life has ended, and that is in God’s hands. 

I pray that this lesson has been a blessing for you. I pray that God delivers it into the hands of the person whose hearts he has cut and groomed to receive it. I pray that you and your family stay safe and stay with God, and that his hedge is securely around you.

God Bless you guys. Like this page if this has been a blessing for you. And I will be looking forward to speaking to you next week.